●The older I get, the tighter companies are putting lids on jars.
●It amazes me how much “exercise” and “extra fries” sound alike.
●Respect people who wear glasses. They paid money to see you.
●Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water: therefore, the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.
●I love the phrase “bear with me” because it either means “be patient” or “the zoo heist was a success.”
●I was going to cook alligator for dinner, but I realized I only had a croc pot.
● Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside? I have like 50 wooden balls already.
● A lot of people cry when they cut an onion…the trick is not to form an emotional bond.
● Having friends over isn’t just about having a good time. It’s about being forced to finally clean your apartment..
● He’s making his list…he’s checking it twice….He left it at home…He’s texting his wife.
●My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings:
- Murderer
- It’s I.C.E. trying to mistakenly deport me.
- It’s that book I ordered about positive thinking
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